another_constellation

So T has asked a couple times about my transition, which feels nice right now. I know that at a time, I would have really been defensive and felt that my shit was private and not open to discussion or generally been closed off, but it feels nice ot have someone asking questions about this stuff. I'm at the point now that when someone finds out I was raised as a girl, it's clear enough that I am a guy that that information doesn't change a lot. But as a result of this, I never get to talk about what that experience felt like and feels like. It's so weird to me, especially at school (where I'm getting a Master's degree in Gender and Cultural Studies, hich I mention because, it makes t suck more) that people never ask me questions about it.

I don't remember if I talked about this before, but last semester I took a class on white anti-racist activism and justice work or, as one Kenyan woman in my program described it, "how to be a good White person." The class kicked my ass every single week in more ways than I would ever have thought imaginable. I cut again, a few seperate times, after probably four years without it, but I can't say much about that. I never realized how much all of this stuff (race, gender, sexuality, sex, BODIES, disability, language) was bound up together for me (and most people). It was a really, really painful class, but also very valuable. Anyway, the professor, B , was really great, and I went to see her in office hours a few times, which is something I never do. I was , talking about my depression because I really need to be in thrapy right now, but I can't bring myself to go because I'm depressed and my life is totally off the tracks, and that brought up my transition, which she actually asked a couple questions about, as well as made a couple statements that didn't jive well for me. But at one point she was referencing all these people and I thought maybe they were theorists and she asked if I knew them and I said no. She aked about a couple others, then said they were all really active in the Boston trans community. I said I don't really like being in trans spaces, because people look at me like they know something about my life in a way that makes me feel incredibly invisible, and di don't lik that, feeling invisble while people look at me and think thyeknow me. She looked at me for a very long time.

more when I'm not crying so much

Vaguely heart-broken, which is sort of my default.

Saw my ex today. It was awkward, but I didn't feel the love or anger rushing back at me, like I imagined I would. I buried those parts of myself. For now, at least.

In class, we were talking about "Thirteen Reasons Why," which is narrated (in part) by a girl who has decided to kill herself. Really shitty comments about whiny, depressed suicidal people and how part of us cheers when they finally do it. There's a woman in the class whom I really like because she always manages to bring us back to the humanizing place. She looked like she was having a hard time with it. Also, I'm prjecting, because I was totally having a hard time with it. My litmus test for whether a book is Problematic or not is whether I will be embarrassed describing it to someone who the book is about.

And so I disclosed that the reason I reacted strongly to Hannah was that she reminded me so much of myself when I was suicidal, and that what we are seeing is the moments of clarity and power before she kills herself, moments she has been greatly deprived of.

The discussion changed after that.